People and Places

THE JESTER: Christmas gifts for the politician in your life

BY CHRIS LACKNER

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He’s making a list and checking it twice.

No, I’m not talking about Stephen Harper’s ever-growing “enemy stakeholders” list. I’m talking about the other formidable power in the North: Santa Claus.

Given the sorry state of government transparency in Canada, Kris Kringle may have a difficult time figuring out whether our politicians have been naughty or nice this year. But with a federal election looming in 2015, there is no doubt that party leaders’ stockings will be hung by the chimney with care. Here, some early gifting tips for St. Nicholas.

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Arcade Fire. Photo: Guy Aroch

STEPHEN HARPER: Arcade Fire.

Yes, I do mean giving him the actual band. It’s no secret that our prime minister has had a hard time connecting with Quebecers. But he can play a piano and sing. All he needs in his clutches is the popular Montreal indie group. They can join him on stage on the campaign trail or perform a soothing lullaby after a long day of listening to Thomas Mulcair huff and puff and try to blow the House down. (Delivery Warning: Not all band members may comfortably fit under Christmas tree.)

 

THOMAS MULCAIR: A map to the nearest yellow brick road.

 

I’m sure the Wizard of Oz deals in more than brains, hearts, and courage. Plus, the song “If I Only Had Charisma” would top the charts in Munchkinland.

 

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JUSTIN TRUDEAU: A time machine to go back to 1980 and stop his father from introducing the National Energy Program.

The new year will be bright as he sits back and rakes in the Liberal seats in Alberta.

MAYOR JIM WATSON: Watson needs a nemesis to rally against in his new term.After all, enemies challenge us to be better (e.g., The Joker and Batman, Peter MacKay and math).

Suggestions: Gatineau mayor Maxime Pedneaud-Jobin (cross border rivalry); The Glebe (the neighbourhood needs something to complain about other than a music festival and parking); his “Evil Twin” — why not spice things up with an alter ego?

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OTTAWA CITY COUNCIL: A time machine to go to the future to whatever actual year the light rail transit will be completed.
They must be tired of devoting energy to a project that might not be finished in their lifetime.

THE BLOC QUEBECOIS: Another federal sponsorship scandal — or another Meech Lake Accord.
A perceived slap in the face from English Canada is exactly what the doctor ordered to save the party from oblivion.